Friday, 16 October 2009

Wallabies Grand Slam (and Tokyo) Tour 09 Tipping and Betting Guide

The Wallabies have left for Europe via Japan weighed down by Matt Dunning and the expectations of a nervous public.

The 2009 Wallabies pale into comparison with their illustrious 1984 forebears. Matt Giteau may be every bit as good as Mark Ella but there are no Nick-Farr Jones' to feed him quality ball, Michael Lynaghs to direct traffic and certainly no David Campeses to, well, be David Campese.

So the team seems down and out and ripe for the pickings. Surely the odds are stacked against them. But are they?...

Saturday 31 October v NEW ZEALAND in Tokyo

The Wallabies haven't won the Bledisloe Cup since Stirling Mortlock debuted for the Wallabies about two decades ago and they can't win this year either. So with nothing but pride and bragging rights on the line the Wallabies will need to fond inspiration elsewhere, and where better than the tea houses (for the backs) and massage parlours (for the forwards) of Tokyo to set the mood. If worse comes to worse the Wallabies could always resort to sumo wrestling where Matt Dunning would be a shoo-in to win a few bouts. Not only that but he's stunning in a g-string.

Tip: Draw

Saturday 7 November v ENGLAND at Twickenham in London

In the corresponding fixture last year the Wallabies sprung the surprise of the century by outscrummaging the English pack. Al Baxter was in peak form, Been Robinson revealed himself as the world's best prop and Stephen Moore took out man of the match honours. Now Baxter can't even make the squad and has lost his sport to Ben Alexander, Moore has been replaced by Totafu Polata-Nau in the starting line-up and Robinson gets the dubious honour of taking out the People's Choice award at the Wallabies end of season awards.

Robbie Deans may be a clever coach but replacing last years heroes with this years almost men may be one trick too many.

Tip: Draw

Sunday 15 November v IRELAND at Croke Park in Dublin

Croke Park is better known for its native Gaelic sports Gaelic Football and Hurling. While Gaelic Football is probably a little too close to Aussie Rules for the tastes of the Wallabies there is no doubt that most of them will be familiar with hurling, but not of the sporting variety. With the Guinness running freely in Dublin and the renowned Iriah hospitality happy to accommodate the Wallabies thirst for the beverage expect the Wallabies go hard before, during and after the game.

Tip: Draw


Saturday 21 November v SCOTLAND at Murrayfield in Edinburgh

Scotland haven't played a decent test match since Hadrian's Wall was being built and even now the wall is the closest thing that Scottish Rugby comes to a decent defence. Indeed it's extraordinary how the Scots can deal with all the patronising talk of how you shouldn't "underestimate Scottish Rugby", their "proud Rugby heritage", "new coach/backline/forward pack/bag pipes" and how well they played their last match against Italy where they almost won. Well it's time to estimate Scottish Rugby and ignore their minimal Rugby heritage and non-existent recent form. Scottish Rugby is an embarrassment and it's time they merged with England in much the same way that Wales has a prominent and recognised role in English cricket.

Tip: Draw


Saturday 28 November v WALES at Millennium Stadium in Cardiff

If only the Welsh could play Rugby as well as they could sing they'd still only be any good if they could get pissed before the match and get 1,000 players on the field at a time. The Grand Slam could all come down to this game and with everything on the line the only thing preventing a Wallabies Grand Slam will be the pressure or a Matt Dunning field goal.

Tip: Draw