Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Boy, That's a Haka

The Rolling Maul is a movie reviewer in an alternate reality, and had the privelege recently of seeing a critics screening of Boy, a small, smile out loud, New Zealand film that tackles serious Once Were Warriors type issues. It's only a three-and-a-half star film but has five star closing credits - namely this haka version of Michael Jackson's Thriller (it's a theme that runs through the film which is set in 1984).

Sunday, 1 August 2010

The Rebel's *****ed Jersey

The Melbourne Rebels unveiled a revolutionary new jersey design recently. Revolutionary it may be, but most attempted revolutions end in bloodshed, disappointment and prison (or worse). Rugby revolutions tend to end in overinflated player salaries and disenfranchised supporters.

The five-stars on the Rebels jersey are supposed to symbolise the team's player pledge - Respect, Excellence, Balance, Ethos and Leadership. This is stirring, proactive, and presumptuous stuff, and total nonsense of course. More accurate would be:

R as in Rainy, the usual weather in Melbourne
E as in Elderly, or what the Rebels like to think of mistakenly as experienced
B as is Bullshit, the whole concept of a player pledge (and a player song for that matter)
E as in Expensive, the players, the coaching and administrative staff, the new overpriced stadium
L as in Losing, what the Rebels can expect lots of.

But why should the Rebels have the monopoly on player pledges? While history will judge whether they actually achieve anything, if there's one thing that Australians are famous for it's embracing a bandwagon (remember basketball, the Sydney Swans, the A-League, the Socceroos and those other marginal or failed endeavours).

So as the leading thinker in Australian Rugby the Rolling Maul proposes the following player pledges for the other Australian Rugby provinces to embrace and be inspired by:

W as in Wasted opportunities, the Tahs history of underachievement
A as in Agonising, what it's like to be a Tahs supporter
R as in Rubbish, what you'll often see on the field when they play
A as in Average, the Tahs recruitment and retention policy
T as in Thinking, what the Tahs often forget to do
A as in Anti-climax, What you can expect when the Tahs play a final
H as in Help, what the Tahs seem to receive in abundance but always need more of.

B as in Bastards as the Brumbies sold themselves to the world to motivate themselves when they were formed. Once they started winning, everyne agreed
R as in Rocked, by scandal, player revolts, taxi bashing,...
U as in Underdog as only the Brumbies could cast themselves despite being the most successful Australian team in Super Rugby history
M as in Memory, where Brumby success has been confined to
B as in boring, which Canberra still is despite the Brumbies
Y as in Yesterday - see M

R as in Reversal as in 'of fortune' which the Reds thought they had this season until it all went pear shaped
E as in Entertainers, which the Reds are at times but it hasn't helped them make a final since forever.
D as in Disappointing which is self-explanatory

F as in Farce, it's an obvious one but an apt one
O as in Ostrich, which Force officials tend to imitate when other States point out their difficiencies
R as in Regional which all of Western Australia still acts - surely it's time to grow up!
C as in Crap because it's the most kind C-word the Rolling Maul can come up with to describe the Force (actualy that goes for F too)
E as in Entertaining but only to each other when they're playing Quokka Soccer on Rottnest Island.