Australian Rugby's saviour - 7s

For rugby followers living on Mars who may only receive intermittent rugby news from Earth, rugby of the 7s variety has been accepted into the Olympics, commencing with Brazil in 2016.

While everyone agrees that this will be a great promotional platform for the game, the opportunities to capitalise on the Olympics and address the big issues facing Australian Rugby have been barely contemplated. Well they are now.

Think 7s and think Twenty20 cricket.

Hordes of new fans and money are flooding into the game, especially at provincial level. Sure, at the moment the traditional format is threatened. But it’s early days and driven by the players’ desire for a better balance between desire and cash ultimately Twenty20 will become the lifeblood of Test cricket. The rugby implications are immense.

The current Rugby 7s focus is on a barely noticed IRB world tour featuring players not good enough for their states and provinces. Sure, that means minnow nations like Kenya, Samoa and especially Fiji can stand toe-to-toe with the big boys.

But in Australia’s case, no-name players running around Adelaide Oval don’t inspire the kiddies in the states where they actually play rugby or the others for that matter.

So let’s get our top players playing 7s in a full-blown made for TV rugby carnival.

Play it over, say, two weeks, before or after the Super 15s or even over a few mid-week evenings over a couple of weeks to avoid clashes with other sports (during the Test season if need be, but ideally you’d want your Test stars involved).

The first (qualifying) round can feature the clubs of Queensland and NSW playing locally (Ballymore and the SFS) to represent their states the following weekend/week in the second (finals) round against the other states.

So, for example, the top three NSW and Queensland clubs, plus players from the Force, Brumbies and Rebels (or whatever they will be called), and give those teams access to their rostered players whose clubs don’t qualify for the finals.

If the NSWRU and QRU feel miffed, they aren’t represented then they can include their Junior (seconds) sides from their playing rosters (if not required by their club).

The less broadcaster-attractive qualifying (club) round could be played during kiddie-friendly times during the day on a weekend free of club and Super 15 rugby, with the finals played mid-week (maybe over two nights).

The beauty of this competition is:

• tribal club followers can get involved (all of them in the first round)
• existing club and state / province administrative structures are utilised
• travel and accommodation expenses are minimised
• extra content is generated for TV rights holders (ideally free-to-air of course) so extra revenue for the ARU and other unions – all should receive a proportion
• a larger pool of players aiming to get an Olympics spot get to demonstrate their wares to selectors
• club coaches go head-to-head with provincial coaches
• the simple format generates increasing interest (hype) over the two weeks so is highly media friendly
• Rugby 7s is inherently attractive to non-rugby followers so will feed into more interest in the traditional format

There you go. In one swoop, all of Australia’s rugby ills have been solved.

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Wallabies Grand Slam (and Tokyo) Tour 09 Tipping and Betting Guide

The Wallabies have left for Europe via Japan weighed down by Matt Dunning and the expectations of a nervous public.

The 2009 Wallabies pale into comparison with their illustrious 1984 forebears. Matt Giteau may be every bit as good as Mark Ella but there are no Nick-Farr Jones' to feed him quality ball, Michael Lynaghs to direct traffic and certainly no David Campeses to, well, be David Campese.

So the team seems down and out and ripe for the pickings. Surely the odds are stacked against them. But are they?...

Saturday 31 October v NEW ZEALAND in Tokyo

The Wallabies haven't won the Bledisloe Cup since Stirling Mortlock debuted for the Wallabies about two decades ago and they can't win this year either. So with nothing but pride and bragging rights on the line the Wallabies will need to fond inspiration elsewhere, and where better than the tea houses (for the backs) and massage parlours (for the forwards) of Tokyo to set the mood. If worse comes to worse the Wallabies could always resort to sumo wrestling where Matt Dunning would be a shoo-in to win a few bouts. Not only that but he's stunning in a g-string.

Tip: Draw

Saturday 7 November v ENGLAND at Twickenham in London

In the corresponding fixture last year the Wallabies sprung the surprise of the century by outscrummaging the English pack. Al Baxter was in peak form, Been Robinson revealed himself as the world's best prop and Stephen Moore took out man of the match honours. Now Baxter can't even make the squad and has lost his sport to Ben Alexander, Moore has been replaced by Totafu Polata-Nau in the starting line-up and Robinson gets the dubious honour of taking out the People's Choice award at the Wallabies end of season awards.

Robbie Deans may be a clever coach but replacing last years heroes with this years almost men may be one trick too many.

Tip: Draw

Sunday 15 November v IRELAND at Croke Park in Dublin

Croke Park is better known for its native Gaelic sports Gaelic Football and Hurling. While Gaelic Football is probably a little too close to Aussie Rules for the tastes of the Wallabies there is no doubt that most of them will be familiar with hurling, but not of the sporting variety. With the Guinness running freely in Dublin and the renowned Iriah hospitality happy to accommodate the Wallabies thirst for the beverage expect the Wallabies go hard before, during and after the game.

Tip: Draw

Saturday 21 November v SCOTLAND at Murrayfield in Edinburgh

Scotland haven't played a decent test match since Hadrian's Wall was being built and even now the wall is the closest thing that Scottish Rugby comes to a decent defence. Indeed it's extraordinary how the Scots can deal with all the patronising talk of how you shouldn't "underestimate Scottish Rugby", their "proud Rugby heritage", "new coach/backline/forward pack/bag pipes" and how well they played their last match against Italy where they almost won. Well it's time to estimate Scottish Rugby and ignore their minimal Rugby heritage and non-existent recent form. Scottish Rugby is an embarrassment and it's time they merged with England in much the same way that Wales has a prominent and recognised role in English cricket.

Tip: Draw

Saturday 28 November v WALES at Millennium Stadium in Cardiff

If only the Welsh could play Rugby as well as they could sing they'd still only be any good if they could get pissed before the match and get 1,000 players on the field at a time. The Grand Slam could all come down to this game and with everything on the line the only thing preventing a Wallabies Grand Slam will be the pressure or a Matt Dunning field goal.

Tip: Draw

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More Corners Than the Pentagon

When the Wallabies defeated the Springboks in Brisbane last weekend most commentary was along the lines of 'turning corners'. But surely by now the Wallabies of the Deans vintage have turned so many corners they've already done a couple of laps of the block.

First there was the appointment of Robbie Deans in the first place, then the victory over the All Blacks in Sydney last year, then the scrummaging effort over England and a famous victory, then the annihilation of an almost full-strength French team earlier this season and now the victory over the Springboks.

We've heard it all before. Deans' attitude of youth, playing what's in front of you and thinking on your feet is the oft-repeated mantra of his Rugby philosophy. Well with an average age of 24 if the Wallabies get any younger Deans'll be calling up players directly from schoolboys level, and not the Australian team that recently failed to win the Junior World Cup but the Kings School 13Bs. It doesn't work for the 13Bs unless they're playing Sydney High or Grammar and it won't work for the Wallabies.

OK, so Benn Robinson is the best prop in the world and Matt Giteau the best five-eighth (when he's not playing at No 12 when he's the best centre in the world) but that's like saying that England won the Ashes on merit and not because they were a bad team that beat an even worse team. Let's face it, Rugby worldwide is in the doldrums. A World XV this year would struggle to beat the 3rd XV of just about any other era, and not just because they're pampered over paid and soft and they've never played in a scratchy woollen jersey with a sodden greasy leather ball that weighs a ton on a soggy field with mud up to your ankles.

But if there's a glimmer of hope for the Wallabies then that's where it lies. Not in beating the Springboks or the All Blacks but by taking advantage of the fact that the rest of the world is crap too. A World Cup semi-final should be a cinch given the paucity of talent in Europe. And now that the Wallabies have proved that when the dominoes fall in their favour they can beat the 'best team in the world' with a bunch of kids just making it up as they go along then World Cup glory should be a shoo-in.

It's just lucky for the Wallabies that if you turn enough corners you'll eventually end up facing in the right direction though you might get a bit giddy in the process.

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Last Man Standing

Kurtley Beale's progression to the Wallabies squad has proved that what timing Beale may lack on the field he more than makes up for with his timing off it.

Kurtley Beale was once the great hope of Australian Rugby. He made first grade at St Joseph's college when he was about 11 and represented the Australian Schoolboys for about 7 years straight. During that period neither team lost any games and Beale averaged about 6 tries and 12 succesful goal kicks per match. Indeed so good was he that opposition teams almost never even saw the ball and Beale was never required to make a tackle, an unfortunate Catch 22 that ultimately would hinder his later career at the Waratahs, tackling being something that they base their tactics around, not scoring tries which is Beale's strength.

The inevitable progression of Beale to the Wallabies and world domination was stymied by injuries, predominately a lack of them to Matt Giteau and Berrick Barnes and a flurry of them to Beale. It was injuries that saw him ruled out of any chance of last year's end of season European jaunt and then a major hamstring tear during the pool games of this year's Under 20 World Cup that led to the Junior Wallabies not winning the competition.

But events have overtaken Beale's fortunes. One match back from the hamstring tear, a stunning return for North Sydney that resulted in them losing by 20 points, and Beale was back in the Wallabies frame. The good fortune is that the Wallabies have learnt to lose again, Stirling Mortlock got injured and Robbie Deans is desperate to show that picking James O'Connor from nowhere was not a fluke.

So good luck to Kurtley Beale. Destiny has called. Just remember that potential should be limited to the drunk girls in bars and not the Rugby field.

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Sorry Lote - The Bromance is Over

The Rolling Maul would have turned for Lote Tuquiri. But now, like a jilted lover, the Rolling Maul wants nothing to do with the man.

Where did we go wrong Lote? Sure you were expensive but it wasn't about the money. We were really good for each other. You made it fun again. The Rolling Maul was happy to pay a lot of money just to watch you.

The Rolling Maul remembers the first time you played for our team. You were young and inexperienced and didn't even know if you had done the right thing. But you can't make this thing that you have - you're born with it.

It took a while for you to learn to do it just right. But for a while there you were as good as any other the Rolling Maul ever knew. Your hands were so skillful in those days and you had all the right moves.

We know that you often finished prematurely and all your efforts often came to nothing, but that happens to lots of guys sometimes, especially once they get a bit older. But you still looked good even if you were just fumbling around lately and losing control a lot of the time.

So good luck Lote wherever fate takes you. But just remember the Rolling Maul sometimes, when you're showing off your skills in some cheap overseas joint. They'll never appreciate you the way the Rolling Maul did.

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2009 Tri-Nations Tipping and Betting Guide

The Tri-Nations may be a tired old format in need of a massive overhaul but it's our tired old format and for that reason it's worth betting on. So with nothing else to watch on TV over winter, The Rolling Maul presents its 2009 Tri-Nations Tipping and Betting Guide:

Australia

Easy wins over Six Nations also-rans Italy and France means that the Wallabies enter the Tri-Nations with no form whatsoever. Last year's tour of the Northern Hemisphere was so long ago as to be meaningless and the Super 14 was a different game with different rules so is also no help.

But in a three-horse race anything could happen. It has before and will again. That's not to say you should flog a dead horse. It's dead. Maybe a bit smelly. And are there moving things in there? Gross.

Anyway, clearly the Rolling Maul is totally clueless, but if the betting agencies have Australia as the least likely to win then that's where you should put your money. What would they know anyway? Their odds don't reflect reality but just who they want you to bet on. They're profit making organisations after all. Not charities.

Player to watch out for: FIRST DRAFT Lote Tuquiri - Because he's playing club Rugby for West Harbour and has bright red boots so looking out for him will take no effort whatsoever.
SECOND DRAFT Lote Tuquiri - Because if you know where he is then you're more of an investigative journelist that any investigative journalist in this town, none of whom have had the guts to say what really went on.
Current odds: $3.25 - Put the house on them. Well maybe not your house, but a house.
Prediction: 3rd

New Zealand

The All Blacks haven't just limped to a couple of ugly wins and one very ugly loss but they've been on crutches. Indeed no Rugby team has played this ugly yet come out almost on top but ultimately nowhere since this year's Waratahs.

And if that wasn't bad enough now the Kiwi media are criticising the Blacks for not singing the national anthem with enough gusto. No wonder all their best players are retiring to more lucrative cash cows in Japan or Europe. A one-team town is bad enough but a one sport nation is a nightmare.

Lay off them. If The Rolling Maul supported a team that had a haka it wouldn't give a stuff about the anthem. Play the Bananas in Pyjamas theme as an anthem if you want something that's

a) sung in one language that the entire nation knows;

b) is easy to remember; and

c) doesn't lend itself to an ethical dilemma for atheists contemplating being pressured to sing a song that mentions god.

Player to watch out for: Dan Carter - Carter has spent the season on an entirely overpaid injury Tour de South of France when he could have been hardening himself up playing Super 14. He's supposed to be back for the All Blacks by the start of the Tri-Nations but with no form, no training, and a wallet the weight of a sheep caught in a South Island thunderstorm weighing him down then even if he does come back expect him to be slow, soft and flabby.
Current odds: $2.65 - You'd be mad.
Prediction: 3rd

South Africa

It's never really made of lot of sense to The Rolling Maul the whole concept of a Lions Tour. They tour once ever four years alternately to South Africa, Australia and New Zealand where they play three tests and a host of mid week games that give the locals the chance to belt a poor Brit (and Irishman) just trying to enjoy a holiday down under.

They haven't won a test series for 12 years yet they supposedly showcase the best of a whole bunch of players who can't stand each other and particularly can't stand the English (so at least some of the players are united).

So South Africa have just beaten a disjointed ununified hotchpotch of Northern European strugglers who are lucky not to lose to provincial teams every Wednesday. Woop dee doo. Relevance to Tri-Nations - nil.

Player to watch out for: Bryan Habana - He's just very fast and wears a skivvy under his jersey. Think of him as the Wiggle that was adopted out because he wouldn't shut up and the other kids wouldn't talk to him and now he's come looking for his parents but they're trying to pretend that they never actually adopted him out in the first place.
Current odds: $2.35 - The favourite never wins the Tri-Nations. Or maybe it's the other way round. Either way it's not worth the effort.
Predicition: 3rd.

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Poor Refereeing? It Could be Worse. It Could be Rugby League

The spotlight has rightly been turned onto refereeing this season in both the Rugby codes. For too long now both games have been turning into soccer where the impact of the man in the middle with the whistle (or in the case of Rugby League the two men in the middle wearing pink and looking strangely emasculated) has become immense and can actually influence the result of the game. But in League it's errors that are causing the angst while in Rugby it's interpretations and rule changes that lead to headaches. The Rolling Maul investigates.

In Rugby League, especially in recent weeks, a series of on and off-field refereeing mistakes, usually at the expense of the Bulldogs (must be fate) and the Rolling Maul's work tips, have seen much navel gazing at NRL headquarters and from the media. Rugby Union has been strangely immune from such introspection. The big picture - ELVs, interpretations and entertainment value - have the been the mantra for season 2009.

So what is Rugby Union doing right (or perhaps more accurately - different)? The answer lies in the rules and the nature of the games.

Rugby Union is a complex game, more a black art than a join the dots. The mysteries of the scrum, ruck, maul and line out are known only to a few. The rules are written by quill in tiny script in 32 dusty 5 inch thick volumes kept in a vault with foot thick steel and time delay locks at IRB headquarters which are rumoured to be in the Middle East or on a secret volcanic island in the middle of the Pacific frequented only by petrels and James Bond arch-villains. The rules themselves are released one at a time every five years in a secret ceremony that involves the slaying of a virgin winger (because they're easy to find).

It's why on the field the referee is free to interpret the ancient scrolls and fill in the gaps in their knowledge as best they see fit. No one is any the wiser. You can't argue against a point you don't know.

When a Rugby referee has a bad game it's because he allows too much kicking or is pedantic about 'hands in the ruck' or 'lying on the ball' or some other meaningless phrase which has been invented to let referees feel self-important when they say it. Rarely does a Rugby referee make a bad decision because no one knows what the decision was.

Rugby League on the other hand is a simple game. Five tackles and kick is all you need to know. Of course league-types like to pretend that their game is full of subtle nuances and delicate interplay between tough and skillful proponents. The reality is that the 13 thugs of each team need to keep things basic. As a result, any imposition of complexity on the tiny minds that don't understand anything more complex than "run, get up, run again, kick" is bound to lead to chaos. When a Rugby League referee makes a decision, as opposed to babysitting the naughty kiddies, everyone starts bawling their eyes out and wants to take their ball home. Rugby League is the sport that refuses to grow up.

Don't expect any changes soon. The ELVs haven't been introduced into Rugby Union to simplify the rules, just make more of them. And for as long as Neanderthals are free to roam the Earth then Rugby League will continue to be their outlet for their aggression and sexual tension. The more the rules of Rugby League stop these men being men the more that aggression and sexual tension will be released off the field. Rugby League referees need to heed this warning.

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All Hail the Chiefs? That's Bulls----

Actually, the Rolling Maul has nothing to say on the matter of the Super 14 final of 2009 apart from loving the title of this post which no sub-editor dared to print. Must have been due to the fact that the wrong team won.

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Australian Super 14 Team of the Year 2009

A season of mostly torment and failure for Australia's Super 14 teams has finally come to a shuddering halt. With the carcass still steaming the Rolling Maul casts its eyes over the wreckage to find a few diamonds in the mixed metaphor.

Props

Matt Dunning - Of course. It wouldn't be a Super Rugby season without Matt Dunning taking out the prop of the year award. His influence is as immense as his girth, even when injured for an entire season, as he was this season. The Waratahs scaled new heights and plumbed new depths in his honour. "Do Dunning Proud" was the rallying cry on the field as shots at goal were missed, tries fumbled and tackles missed. The game may change but a team with 15 Mat Dunnings running around will always meet low expectations and fail to deliver. This year was no exception.

AJ Whalley - A player with a chin as big as his barrel chest, Mr Incredible's devastating work at the bottom of rucks and collapsed scrums lit up the Subiaco crowd. 10 incredible minutes per match is testimony to the hard work he put into the off season trying to come up with a name instead of initials. Alas he failed, on and off the field, but every team needs its cuddly mascot.

Hooker

Saia Faingaa - Still the best looking player running around in Australian Rugby according to the missus so keeps his spot from 2008. His move from the Brumbies to the Reds this season was a masterstroke of career murder and poor timing as the Reds floundered and the Brumbies floundered too but not as badly.

Second Row (Locks)

Van Humphries - It seems like Van Humphries has been around forever and that's because he has. It's nearly 10 years since he made his debut for the Reds and in that time has played all over the world and in NSW without ever securing a starting spot in any team he's played for. This season was no exception, indeed Humphries had a chance, got dropped and then waited for the rest of the team to fall over injured before getting a start again. Then he got injured too. The Reds deserve Humphries and Humphries deserves the Reds.

Tom Hockings - When your Captain and second row partner is as bald as Nathan Sharpe you need a full head of hair to create an impression. Hockings might lack ball retention skills, scrummaging ability and grunt, but he more than makes up for them with free guest passes as a result of his membership at most of Perth's boutique hairdressers and the decreased necessity for the Force to spend money on headgear.

Number 8

Scott Fava's sideburns - Fava became the first player to have taken the field for every Australian Super 14 team when he ran on for the Waratahs early in the season with new more conservative but still outlandish facial growth. It was the final desperate act of a desperate man running away from the headlines. It worked spectacularly well. After two matches Fava's form was so awful he was dumped quicker than anything even Matt Dunning could achieve after a night on the curry and hasn't been seen from since. Mission accomplished.

Halfback

Sydney International Airport - OK, stick with me here. Josh Valentine started with the Reds then went to the Waratahs and then the Force and has now signed with the Brumbies to replace Josh Holmes who was a Waratah and then a Brumby and has signed to return to the Waratahs to replace Brett Sheehan who started with the Reds then joined the Waratahs and has now signed with the Force to replace Josh Valentine because he was sick of being understudy to Luke Burgess who started at the Brumbies but is still with the Waratahs. And you wonder why the Wallabies struggle to find a replacement for George Greegan who was always a Brumby.

Five-Eighth

Day Light - The Rolling Maul is sick to death of hearing how Matt Giteau is so far ahead of every other five-eighth in the country that Day Light is second. Well it's a bout time Light was given a chance with the Wallabies to show what he can do. Let's face it, Giteau is a road block and his hogging of the five-eighth role is preventing other players from shining, and no player shines more than Day Light.

Inside Centre (Second Five-Eighth)

Tom Carter - The Waratahs search for a battering ram to replace Nathan Grey seemed over when Tom Carter put his head down and charged headfirst into a few Kiwi forwards. The old Sydney University combination with Daniel Halangahu seemed the solution to the Waratah's try scoring woes, and a couple of solid wins set up season glory. Alas it all came to nought. Ugly wins became ugly losses and by the South African trip Kurtley Beale replaced Carter who was relegated to glorified water boy duties. Three straight wins in South Africa and Carter may find he has to go to the ends of the earth (ie Brisbane) just to get a game.

Outside Centre

Morgan Turinui - Turinui was a shock signing for the Reds for the 2007 season and played well enough (admittedly in the now defunct ARC) to earn a call up to the Wallabies for the World Cup later that year. In 2008 he was average but good enough for Australia A, and in 2009 he didn't play a game for anybody.

Wingers

Cameron Shephard - Shephard was the Super 14s second highest try scorer in 2009 with 7. Yet he only played about 3 matches in between various injuries. At that rate he should have scored about 30 tries and would have ensured that instead of losing most of their matches by 1 or 2 points the Force would have finished on top of the table.

Clyde Rathbone - Rathbone is the most consistent player to have ever played Super 14. Consistently injured that is. His grand tally over two seasons amounts to about 2 starts and 2 runs off the bench. In those matches he showed impressive speed for a guy in alternately a moon boot, on crutches and in traction. It looks like Rathbone won't be offered a contract in 2010 which is a shame because the Rolling Maul will have to put some effort into finding another winger of the season (not to mention prop, hooker and number 8).

Fullback

Sam Norton-Knight - Throughout all the succes, failure and boring bits in between that made up the Waratahs early and mid-season the one constant was that Norton-Knight could be relied upon to kick the ball out on the full, off the edge of his boot or run straight into a wall of defenders and lose the ball. The flattest of flat track bullies (he tends to have blinders against the Reds, Cheetahs, Higlanders etc) Norton-Knight did the honourable thing before going to South Africa and injured himself so that Lachlan Turner could take his place. Scarily Norton-Kinght considers his best position to be five-eighth and that's why he signed with the Cardiff Blues. Meanwhile the Waratahs signed Drew Mitchell. There's nothing ugly about that win.

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Perfect Plans

It's all falling into place for the Waratahs.

Their cunning no bonus points system is working perfectly. So precise indeed are the Waratahs at this game that Lote Tuquiri even dropped the ball over the try line when he suddenly realised that the game plan was not to score any tries until well into the game. Two tries in the first 15 minutes would have been a severe embarrasment and completely counter to the Waratahs Rugby philosophy. So devastated was Tuquiri at his near not-miss that he deliberately wrenched his own knee later in the game so as to not risk the danger of scoring more tries.

Meanwhile... if there's one thing the Reds have been good at this season it's dashing hope. Hope of a revival in the fortunes of Queensland Rugby, hope for a free flowing running entertaining running game, hope at winning back to back matches. Barnes realised he had discovered a rich vain (pun intended) of form and there was a real and present danger that he could run rampant against the struggling Brumbies. So not being one to shy away from a challenge from a (adopted) New South Welshman Barnes did his hammy in the warm-up before the Reds game started.

But if there's one thing that separates Barnes and Tuquiri from the rest of their teammates and makes them the truly great players they are, it's the personal sacrifice. The ability to step back and analyse their own performance and their place in history and realise that anyone can contribute to score board glory but only the greats can see the greater context. That the Reds are not meant to challenge for the finals and the Waratahs are not meant to be fun to watch.

We are not worthy of watching such legends of the game in action. And they know it so sacrificed their leg muscles for our sake and for that we should grateful.

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Ten Big Rugby Issues

So much material so little time. The world of Rugby is awash with juicy material just waiting for a sarcastic smart-arse blogger to comment on. Here are The Rolling Maul's top ten issues for the week:

1) Waratahs assistant coach Scott Wisemantel was quoted in the paper this week speaking of his attacking theory whereby the wingers and fullback should play like three fullbacks and be the "eyes" of the back line. He says one of their roles should be to communicate their reading of the game to the centres - the "ears". Whatever. The point is, who's the arsehole? Matt Dunning is obviously the stomach while Sam Norton-Knight is either the appendix or the tonsils (ie useless).

2) Matt Dunning is unhappy with his contract negotiations and wants all players to have their pay published. That's a pretty big call for a player who's been injured for the last six months, played most of the last Super 14 and Wallabies seasons from the bench and has seen, at the very least, Al Baxter, Ben Robinson and Ben Alexander street ahead in the Wallaby pecking order.

3) Canadian Rugby player plays for Sydney Swans. If definitive evidence was needed that Aussie Rules is turning into Rugby then here you have it. the only difference being that there's more kicking in Rugby, more hands in the ruck in Aussie Rules, and more physical contact in Aussie Rules (though they call it a melee and it's really just a homo-erotic stroking contest).

4) Swine flu pandemic threatens to lead to the limit of mass gathering of crowds for fear of spreading the disease. So the Waratahs shouldn't be affected then.

5) Kurtley Beale resigns with the Waratahs. Oh. Re-signs. Bugger.

6) Overconfidence proving to be the greatest challenge to team victories this season. The good news coming out of the Waratahs camp is that that won't be a problem for them. Indeed so under confident are the Waratahs that most of their players have been quoted in the press this week bemoaning how crap they are and admitting that they don't know how to pass, kick or run. Training sessions this week have resembled Wallarugby training camps. Each player has been rewarded with an ice cream at the end of a day's training, each received a souvenir t-shirt and cap, and they all got to fawn over their hero Matt Burke who was shipped in at great expense to inspire the Warakiddies with tales of bottom ogling from behind the kicker. And now much like Wallarugby matches expect the Waratahs this weekend to follow the ball in a big excited pack before fading after 15 minutes and complaining that the big kid is hogging the ball.

7) Rolling Maul still desperately short of a bandwagon. Just when you think the Reds are in form they're out of it then back in it and then who knows what. The Highlanders and the Brumbies both looked promising before falling into a hole. God forbid but the way that this competition is going the Waratahs are due for a few glorious wins and The Rolling Maul will have to revert to blue. Actually that's just being ridiculous.

8) ELVs dead and buried and with them go the tap and run. It wasn't working anyway. Rod Kafer on The Rugby Club (funny sort of Club - where are the pokies?) pointed out that not one Waratahs scrum this season has seen the ball travel from half back to winger (it was getting dropped or kicked before it got that far). Clearly the ELVs are to blame as in past years the Waratahs had no trouble spinning the ball out to Lote or Lachie and then it getting dropped or kicked.

9) Manly Sea Eagles Rugby League team really are a one man team full of drunks and dickheads (what did happen to Scott Fava's Waratahs career?). It's not looking good for the Force in 2010.

10) Australia and New Zealand threaten to leave SANZAR and form a trans-tasman provincial competition. And the bad news is?

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The Back of Burke - Hopefully

Matt Burke came back. And it made no difference.

Earlier this season you may recall that Matt Burke, a goal kicker of some limited repute (record pointscorer and goal kicker for the Waratahs, most points in a calendar year for the Wallabies) was an aficionado of Kurtley Beale's arse. But not his kicking style. Drafted by Chris Hickey to teach Beale to kick, he perched delicately behind Beale's arse each time he took a goal kick. Suffice to say that much like any of us would, Beale found it off-putting, flubbing most of his kicks and sending the Waratahs to early season victory after victory.

It was an interesting couterintuitive tactic that worked a treat - ugly kicking formed the foundation of an ugly game that found the Waratahs were in the top four despite barely a kick at goal going through the posts or a kick in general play finding a gap or the side line.

Then Matt Burke went missing, Beale was sent to the bench and the Tahs started losing.

Evidently the Matt Burke influence was required - and last weekend he returned to his cherished anus ogling role, this time Daniel Halangahu feeling the full force of his penetrating gaze. Alas it made bugger-all difference. The gloss of Matt Burke's distinguished career now a dull shine and a snagging memory of lost opportunities and record losses to the Crusaders.

Fortunately the ARU have come to the aid of the Waratahs. Matt Burke has been appointed as an ARU Classic Wallabies Statesman. Much like the Holden Statesman we can expect him to be large, smelly, noisy, overpriced, inefficient and a fuel guzzler. And hopefully too busy stating the obvious to make it out onto the field in his other role as glorified water boy.

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