Getting Your Tongue Around Some French

The Rolling Maul is off to the Rugby World Cup with tickets to all the best games (coincidentally all those that are being shown on free-to-air TV in Australia). And with the departure date only a couple of weeks away the Rolling Maul has been preparing by learning a bit of the lingua franca of France, which is French for the most widely spoken language of a country, which in France just happens to be French.

Of course paying for actual lessons is absurd. The bookstores are full of phrase books tailored especially to the situation of the visitor, such as Spanish for Travellers, Beginners Swiss for Cuckoo Clock Makers, You Can Try to Speak Glasweigan But Won't and the Little Book of French War Victories (not a phrase book but very easy to learn).

Rugby is no exception, and I feel it is my duty to share with you the following important French phrases for anyone else (including players) on their way to France for the Rugby World Cup. Do remember though that to speak French you should hold your nose while assuming an air of superiority. It looks ridiculous and everyone knows you're doing it but if you try hard enough it is possible to actually believe you are superior even if you don't have any basis for it.

On the Field
Please remove your finger from my eye socket - Veuillez enlever votre doigt de ma douille d'oeil.
Sorry, was that your head? - Désolée, était-elle que votre tête?
I didn't even know they played Rugby in Portugal - Je n'ai pas même su qu'ils ont joué au rugby au Portugal.
Do my man boobs look big in this? - Mes boobs d'homme semblent-ils grands en cela?
Have you seen the latest article on The Rolling Maul? - Avez-vous vu le dernier article sur le Roulement Malmener?
All day sir - Toute la journée monsieur.
Jonny Wilkinson is injured. - Jonny Wilkinson est blessé.
You're nothing without Serge Blanco - Vous n'êtes rien sans Serge Blanco.
The only thing softer than your front row is my cambert. - La seule chose plus douce que votre rangée avant est mon camambert.
Four more years - Quatre années supplémentaires.

Off the Field
More red wine Mister Dunning? - Monsieur Dunning de vin plus rouge?
Is this a bread stick in my pocket or am I just glad to see you? - Est-ce que c'une baguette dans ma poche ou j'est est simplement heureux de vous voir?
This meat pie is rubbish. - Ce pâté en croûte de viande est des déchets.
I agree. The Rainbow Warrior had it coming. - Je conviens. Le Guerrier D'arc-en-ciel l'a eu venir.
Cadel Evans deserved to win the Tour De France. - Cadel Evans a mérité de gagner l'tour De France.
Snails! I thought these oysters were off. - Escargots ! J'ai pensé que ces huîtres étaient éteintes.
We saved your arse in World War Two. Nous avons sauvé votre cul dans la guerre mondiale deux.
What do you mean you've never heard of French kissing? You're French. - Que vous voulez-vous dire avoir des baisers français non jamais entendus parler? Vous êtes français.