Application - Wallabies Coaching Position

Dear Mr O'Neill,

I would like to apply for the position of Coach of the Wallabies.

I have a long experience of shepherding drunks from location to location having organised both my brother's and my mate's bucks parties. Unlike the Wallabies, no one ended up being questioned by police and no one was beaten up.

I share traits associated with many of the other applicants for this position. For example, as with Ewen Mackenzie, as coach, I have never won a major Rugby trophy, enjoy eating meat pies and am overweight. I also have facial hair similar to that of Laurie Fisher.

I have an extensive knowledge of Rugby issues as is demonstrated by my Rugby weblog the Rolling Maul. Of course, you should not take my insults of you, the current Wallaby coaching staff or anyone else who runs the game too seriously. Each point I raise is meant to be in the best spirit of the game of course and in a futile effort to get some of you lazy bastards to do something for a change.

I am a great supporter of Australian Rugby. My Waratahs sticker that came with the Sydney Morning Herald is stuck to the fridge behind the menu to the local pizza restaurant. I also embrace the Australian Rugby Championship and am even considering going to another match.

My coaching philosophy is that you shouldn't over coach and that the natural talents of players should not be impeded by too much coaching theory, too many instructions, or too much training. Indeed I'd like to think I take a 'hands off' approach to training, often just watching from the sidelines, the grandstand, or the local pub.

Thank you for considering my application. I am available from next winter but in summer I intend to coach the Pakistan cricket team, unless that position's already gone, in which case you can find me at the beach.


The Rolling Maul