ELVs Achieving Nothing

Two weeks into the new era and the Experimental Law Variations (ELVs) have not achieved their express purpose of preventing the Crusaders dominating the Super 14s and ensuring the Waratahs win the competition.

The ELVs were introduced after much discussion between the major Rugby World powers, both those in Sydney and in Europe. It was agreed by all parties that in order to reinvigorate the provincial game, the Crusaders had to be stopped as their continuing success has the potential to kill the game in much the same way as Walter Lindrum killed billiards.

Similarly, Rugby can not be a truly World game without massive popularity in Australia, and popularity in Australia means success in Sydney, the home of the most ardent supporter of their local team so long as they’re winning.

With massive wins over the Brumbies and Bulls the Crusaders have emphatically demonstrated that the ELVs are not working. Similarly, the Waratahs have been unconvincing in defeating the Hurricanes while clearly being frustrated by the ELVs in losing a match to the Chiefs that by all rights they should have won comfortably if only the laws were rewritten properly.

It is for this reason that the Rolling Maul once again steps into the breach and makes the following suggestions to ensure the Waratahs dominate Super 14 Rugby for generations to come while the Crusaders become mere road bumps on the Waratahs Superhighway:

1. The Mascot Law: Tah Man was introduced by the Waratahs this year to explain the ELVs to people who read with their lips moving – namely children and Queenslanders who had wandered into the Sydney Football Stadium by mistake. The Rolling Maul suggests this initiative needs to be rewarded by the legislators by giving a 7 points head-start to the Waratahs at every home game. Other teams can get this leg-up too but only if their mascots are as well thought out, educational and as good looking as Tah Man – and that’s impossible.

2. The League Law: No team has recruited more Rugby League players than the Waratahs. By taking the best talent out of Rugby League the Waratahs have dealt numerous fatal blows to League while ensuring their success and Wallaby success (it just hasn’t happened yet). Any team that takes the field with ex-league players deserves 2 bonus points for each player (note that Brad Thorn doesn’t count because he’s an ex-league ex union ex-league player).

3. The Three-quarter-season Law: For so many years the Waratahs have been a Super 14 powerhouse after Round 10. Clearly, the structure of Super 14 scoring is wrong, and matches from rounds 1-10 need to count triple.

4. The Lote Tuquiri Law: The ARU paid big bucks to secure Lote Tuquiri’s signature and even more to keep it. Lote is box office gold. He’s a hunk of spunk that even men can appreciate. Every time he touches the ball spectators get to their feet to urge him on. It’s about time this loyalty to Lote is rewarded. Each match Lote should be awarded a try underneath the posts, but not until he’s made half a dozen jinks past 15 despairing opposition tacklers aware of the law.

5. The Hippo Law: South Africa’s lumbering forwards may spend a lot of time wallowing around a Rugby paddock in the same way a hippopotamus lolls around a swamp, but it works and they won a Super 14 and World Cup as a result. For too long now having the girth and looks of a hippopotamus have been an asset. It's time to put an end to this nonsense by banning (or maybe even hunting) the hippos so that the Waratah's gazelle-like fleet footed front row will be free to dominate and roam the savannahs that are Rugby playing fields (except Matt Dunning who may get caught in the cross-fire).

This is just the beginning. These tweaks to existing laws are necessary to ensure the survival of Rugby as we know it, or, at least, as it should be.


Anonymous said…
The Rolling Mauls ELV changes should be applauded. No longer will fans eyes glaze over as a bunch of fat Sth Africans lay all over the ball for 80 minutes - not if the crowd is issued with hunting riffles with laser sights. (If they are going to play like Hippo's they should be treated like Hippos)Yes Matt Dunning could be caught in the cross fire - but imagine how quickly he gets back into where he is suppose to be the ruck or scrum (As opposed to whereever he probably is - out bluding next to Lote or lineing up a field goal attempt)as soon as he see's half a dozen red dots appear on his jumper.