Ruling NSWRU With An Iron Fist

For far too long the NSWRU has been characterised by in-fighting and backstabbing to the detriment of Rugby Union in NSW. On field success has been no guarantee of Board harmony.

It is no coincidence that as soon as Ewen MacKenzie freed himself of the pressure of the board through the ingenious tactic of manipulating his amicable sacking, the Waratahs started performing. It is also no surprise that each potential new Waratahs coach, Michael Cheika, Scott Johnson and Todd Louden to date, have knocked back the head coach job because of the board.

In an ideal world (in which Soccer, Aussie Rules and Rugby League don't exist, Rugby has a dedicated free-to-air TV channel and pig skin footballs fly again) the coach could sack the board instead of the other way around.

A firm handed is need to guide the Waratahs into the new professional age...
Someone with experience as a leader, the courage to take tough decisions, who isn't afraid to to be disliked, and who has a great moustache and a wonderful head of hair. The Rolling Maul proposes Joseph Stalin (cloned from DNA extracted from remains secreted from a Russian vault guarded by the IRB) as the new Waratahs coach.

Old Joe was a funny bloke who knew how to get others to agree with him at Board meetings which is exactly what the NSWRU needs in a Waratahs coach. The fact that he knows nothing about the game is a real bonus as for far too long now coaches have approached the Waratahs with strange ideas about lineouts, scrums, rucks, phase ball and other incomprehensible, so called "innovations".

There will of course be several years while Joe comes out of the test tube and learns to walk etc - so while that's happening let Tah Man conduct Board meetings with a baseball bat, Scarface style. The bickering board members would think twice about opposing the chairman's motion when the first person to do so would be left as a bloodied stump courtesy of a Tah Man counselling session.

The Rolling Maul recognises that installing Joseph Stalin as head coach of the Waratahs is controversial and technologically difficult, but a dictator of some description is required. The Waratahs require a man prepared to recruit old front rowers to stand around Board meetings and "sort out" any differences board members may have with the coach. Unfortunately George Gregan is still playing Rugby in France so he's out.

But even dictators need to have background tests to see that they are suitable for the position. Once it's advertised that the Waraths are looking for a dictator every tin-pot deposed president for life from Africa or Central America will be putting his hand up (and in the till). The Waratahs don't want to see a bloody coup every time the ticket price went up. But then again...

A potential head coach with form on the Board is Robert Mugabe. Mugabe may be looking for a new job shortly too. Only he could print 100,000 free entry tickets for a 40,000 seat stadium. Only he could get the local press to say that the Waratahs won every game played regardless of the actual result. Only he could take over opposition football fields by sending in old Waratahs and then proclaiming them as new home grounds. Only he could order a recount of the score even if it has been posted on the scoreboard for three weeks. And only Robert Mugabe could stand up to the colonial powers of Britain and Christchurch.