Limping Around the World

The Wallabies are on an East-West journey for the next few weeks, taking in the sights of a Chinese outpost and some European tourist traps and playing some Rugby along the way to pay for the thing. Much like hordes of backpackers before them, the Wallabies will make sure that the local ladies remain as impressed as their opposition with their tackle and ball skills and leave a few pubs dry for good measure.

So how will they go? The Rolling Maul won't dare to prophesise on their success with the ladies, though one can bet that James O'Connor won't let the inherent female fascination with all things furry (such as a Wallaby mascot caled Wally) go to waste. So traditional as it may sound, the Rolling Maul will have to limit its predictions to the matches (maybe):

Wallabies vs All Blacks - Hong Kong November 1
Despite starting promisingly, an inability to play rules invented on the spot by an Irish referee will see the All Blacks claw back the lead and finish the less confused and slightly more successful team on the night.
Prediction: 1.2 billion Chinese people politely fail to take notice and allow 40,000 expats to buy up all the seats. The Rolling Maul realises that making predictions after the game has been played is much easier than the usual method of sport forecasting.

Wallabies vs Italy - Padova November 8
Despite promising not to take Italy lightly the Wallabies do just that and start rookies in nearly every position, eat too much pasta during the match under the excuse of 'carbo loading', and try to outdo the Italians at their own game by spending more time promenading for bellas than Rugby balls. Silvio Berlusconi admires Lote Tuquiri's tan.
Prediction: Wallabies by 9. Or 90.

Wallabies vs England - Twickenham November 15
Despite pretending that revenge is not an issue after their World Cup humiliation, the Wallabies target the England match as the reason for being in Europe and Asia with everything else as filler. When they fail to win, again, after more Northern European refereeing antics, the Wallabies cry 'conspiracy' and refuse to leave the dressing room after the match. James O'Connor sneaks out as Wally has a big date so the rest of the team reluctantly follow to make sure he stays out of trouble. It doesn't work.
Prediction: England by 1. Or maybe the Wallabies by 1. James O'Connor will definitely get one.

Wallabies vs France - Paris November 22
Is Sebastian Chabal still in the French team and has he cut his hair? The Wallabies only turn up to find out and when he's only selected on the bench refuse to take part until the host broadcaster (Nickelodean) pressures the French Government into pressuring the French Rugby authorities to start him. It fails to work, so the Wallabies settle on Carla Bruni to start in the second row. Bruni makes an impressive debut pulling off some stunning tackles and James O'Connor.
Prediction: Wallabies by 17 (at half time) and France by 3 (at full time)

Wallabies vs Wales - Cardiff November 29
The Wallabies return to the scene of their only victory is recent history over a Northern Hemisphere team in the Northern Hemisphere, when they beat a Welsh drinking team at the local Cardiff pub after a training session during the World Cup. Reliving old glories proves harder than expected, and the Wallabies accidently turn up sober. It shows on the field, and struggle to win by less than 100. James O'Connor escapes amusing commentary from the Rolling Maul by refusing to leave France.
Prediction: Wallabies by 99. Pints.

Wallabies vs Barbarians - Wembley 3 December
The traditional end-of-season celebration of running Rugby turns into a farce when a Northern Hemisphere referee rules running as a blight on the game. Passing is also frowned upon and 80 minutes of scrummaging ensues. A stained and sticky Wally takes man-of-the-match honours.
Prediction: A late pushover try from 88 metres out with a 15-man scrum sees the Wallabies win but no one notices as everyone has turned off or left the stadium.


Cameron said…
why have I not had my Rolling Maul fix this tour?