Melbourne Rebels Recruiting Showing a Distinct Lack of Imagination

The Melbourne Rebels have been making a lot of noise lately as quitely as possible. They're playing that old recruiting game perfected by Rugby League players of hinting at everyone you're supposedly talking to in the hope it will drive up your bargaining power.

While never confirming or denying it the Rebels have been linked with just about every washed up ex-Wallaby playing overseas and every former Rugby League player who's gone to Europe because they were poison back home.

But why stop there? Why even stop at the egg-shaped sports?

Surely there are enough washed-up crap poisonous players at home running around in the minor leagues and media circles of soccer, cricket, swimming, darts, chess and just about any other sport with a minimum of hand-eye coordination and a Mad Monday every year.
Cricket is an obvious recruiting ground. If it's publicity you want and you have enough money to throw around to send your team broke in three years then Shane Warne is your man. More controversial than Tiger Woods on a bad day and more expensive that Ian Thorpe's jewelery, Warnie will bring the crowds flocking through the gates. He's built like a breakaway and doesn't mind a scrap. A few years in a scrum and he'll be as pretty as Phil Waugh. It will do him the world of good. His hair may struggle to last the distance though.

Speaking of Ian Thorpe, there aren't enough tall pretty gangly players of unknown sexual persuasion running around the world's Rugby fields, Justin Harrison excluded of course. Thorpie's reach is well known so he'd be perfect in a lineout and his knowledge of fashion and hair will ensure he'd fit in well with the young modern player who doesn't mind a bit of faux-hawk (Matt Giteau) or other metrosexual accessories (Quade Cooper, James O'Connor etc).

Spot the difference - there is none (almost)

Tennis is rife with washed up ex-players whingeing about the 'State of the Game'. Indeed recent rumblings in the tennis world would make you think David Campese had made the round of 16 at Wimbledon. Pat Cash in particular has been a loud-mouthed boofhead since the day he retired.

Pat Cash telling a referee, err umpre, where to shove it

Much like George Gregan he doesn't mind telling authority figures what he thinks of their rulings and while he was OK, on grass get him out of his comfort zone and his delivery was slow and he was generally ineffectual. Much like Gregan again. So stick him in at halfback.

Of course front row is always the hardest place to find talent. It's getting harder and harder to find large no-necked meatheads with a taste for dirty work and a death wish. Fortunately Mike Tyson is at a bit of a loose end. In and out of jail and broke, he probably needs the work.

So there you have it. If only the Melbourne Rebels put a bit more thought into their recruitment policy they would realise there are a world of options out there. They may not win many matches but they'll win every fight and every fashion show.


Anonymous said…
But what of the wealth of local talented Melbourne players like ummmm. Surely we wont be getting all their players from NSW club rugby thereby further diluting the Tah's talent pool. Maybe we should look to hire a washed up AFL player.