Rugby's White Card Only The Beginning

The introduction of a referee's white card in this year's Super Rugby to indicate a judiciary commission citation for suspect but unseen foul play is just the tip of the pack of cards. Red, yellow and white cards ignore a whole rainbow of colourful cards that could be used by referees to inform spectators and players and add to the vivid spectacle that is Rugby. Here's a few suggestions...

Blue card  Given to the winner of a fight (ie having a 'blue') as adjudged by the referee. At the end of the season the player with the most 'blues' can be awarded a special prize such as a bout against Sonny-Bill Williams.

Green card  Inspired by the green card much sought after by potential migrants to the USA, referees can award green cards to those players who have exhibited excessive American characteristics such as talking too loudly, expressing opinions where they are not warranted, or invading another's territory when it is not necessary. Most likely to be awarded to halfbacks, the player 'awarded' the most green cards during the course of a season is to be banished to a season of USA 'Rugby Super League' where their 'talents' will be most appreciated.

Pink card  Players exhibiting excessive feminine traits during the course of a match will be shown the pink card by the referee. Such traits include spending too much time worried about how they look on TV, over-concern with one's hair, carrying too much clothing to the game or crying. Penalty is 10 minutes in the alcohol free seats babysitting someone's kids so that Dad can go and have a beer.

Purple card  A Wimbledon-shade purple card will be shown by the referee to any player showing excessively posh behaviour. Such behaviour could include; bullying players from Sydney's western suburbs, Melbourne's outer suburbs or anyone from Tasmania, Brisbane or Perth; wearing designer jeans with a blazer/suit jacket to or from the ground or at any time in public in the lead-up to a match; living in a house with more than four bedrooms, three bathrooms, two cars and one snooker table even though only four people live in it; or being more concerned with your brand than your career. The penalty for receiving a purple card is playing the next match for the Penrith Emus club rugby team from Sydney's far west, perennial Shute Shield cellar dwellers and with a largely broken website to boot.

Gold card  Awarded by the referee at the end of each match to any player whose performance did not justify their excessive salary. Likely recipients this year include Kurtley Beale, James O'Connor, Sonny Bill-Williams, Rocky Elsom and anyone non-Japanese playing in Japan. Penalties range for refunding salary percentages via reductions in ticket prices for spectators to shouts at the bar post-match.


Anonymous said…
What about a Foster card - provides a player with a certain number of other in kind services that allow the franchise to get around salary cap restrictions. So instead of having to que up after the game to get access to the team physio, players with the foster card (as in Craig Foster) can go to a private provider for after game massages. The team wins by needing less physios and the player wins by selecting certain Foster approved massage venues that come with happy endings.