UPDATED (thanks to JOC): Are You a Sports Dickhead? Take This Test

What is a Sports dickhead? Are Kurtley Beale, Quade Cooper, Digy Ioane and James O'Connor dickheads? Are you? Do the Waratahs, Force and Wallabies have policies to prevent the recruitment of dickheads?


The 'No Dickheads' policy in sporting terms dates back to around 2005 when Sydney Swans coach Paul Roos used the phrase. It must have some merits as, under Roos, the Swans won a premiership in 2005 and made the 2006 grand final. The term actually dates back to 1990 when it was an off-the-cuff remark made by a coal mining executive to describe his company's recruitment policy.

So now that Kurtley Beale and James O'Connor have added yet more alcohol fueled 'events' to their resumes and at the same time been in talks with the Waratahs (since finalised) / Force about a return in 2014, the question to be asked is what is the Waratahs / Force / Wallabies policy when it comes to the recruitment of dickheads? And more to the point, are Kurtley Beale and James O'Connor dickheads?

Well to assist Waratahs / Force / Wallabies management, the Rolling Maul has come up with this simple 12-point test (or in AA terms - 'plan') that can also be applied by any sporting team or body in their recruitment efforts. You are welcome to take the test too to determine your dickhead status. Whether that enhances or hinders your chances of playing for your chosen team is a matter for that team.

Note: The Rolling Maul takes no responsibility for the behaviour of any individual looking to enhance their dickheadness.

ARE YOU A SPORTS DICKHEAD?
Sober up and then answer these 10 questions honestly to determine if you are a dickhead. Keep score as you go:

1)  Rate your tattoos: 
None (0 points)
One small one (1 point)
More than one (2 points)
Add bonus points  for every neck or sleeve tattoo or a tramp stamp.
Add more bonus points if you've misspelt your child's name or have had to ink out an ex-girlfriend's name.

2)  Have you ever spent the night in a police lock-up? 
No (0 points)
Once (1 point)
More than once (2 points)
Add a bonus point if you can't remember how many times because you were too drunk.
Add a further bonus point if you've spent at least a night in a police lock-up in more than one country.

3)  Do you drink?
No (-1 point)
One or two sometimes at home with the missus (0 points)
Only when we win (1 point)
Sometimes with my mates (liar) (2 points)
Add a bonus point if you also drink when you lose
Add another bonus point if you're drinking right now.

4)  How impressive are your pecs and your six-pack?
They're there somewhere under the flab (0 points)
None of your business (1 point)
Good enough for the sport that I play (2 points)
Awesome (3 points)
Add a bonus point if you're ever appeared on Twitter showing them off
Add another bonus point if you've ever walked home from a nightclub with your shirt off.

5)  Drugs?
Yeah, thanks (1 point)
Only for headcolds and migraines (-1 point)
Used to take some 'relaxation medication' back when I was a young-un (0 points)
If the team says it's OK then it must be OK (2 points)
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do if he wants to play with the big boys (3 points)
Add a bonus point if that red spot on your arm is a 'mosquito bite'.

6)  Describe your use of electronic social media:
Had a shortwave radio-set when I was a kid (-1 point)
Use social media to promote my team's charities and good causes (1 point)
Use social media to connect with my fans (2 points)
Use social media to show off my pecs and tatts (3 points)
Add a bonus point for any of the following that you look at at least once every two days: Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram, Flickr, Foursquare, Blogger, Google+, Pinterest or MySpace.

7)  Who does your hair?
My mum (-1 point)
A barber (0 points)
A hairdresser (1 point)
A teammate (2 points)
Add a bonus point if you've ever had a design or words carved into your hair
Add a bonus point if you use product
Add another bonus point if you use any colouring.

8)  How do you celebrate scoring a try or a goal (soccer, Aussie Rules)?
I don't I just get on with the game (0 points)
Fist pump (1 point)
Salute the fans (2 points)
Nazi salute (10 points)
Shadow box (3 points)
Take my shirt off (4 points)
Cartwheels (4 points)
Subtract a point if you've never scored a try or a goal.

9)  When you're getting ready to board a flight overseas do you...?
Wait patiently in line (0 points)
Have a drink at the bar to steady the nerves (1 point)
Have a drink in the gold flyers / VIP lounge to steady the nerves (2 points)
Get drunk, argue with a hostess / steward and/or get escorted from the airport (5 points)

10)  It's 4:30 am, two days out from the biggest match of the season. Do you...?
Sleep (-1 point)
Try to sleep but can't due to nervous anticipation (0 points)
Sneak out to the fridge for a quick snack (1 point - 0 points if you're a Rugby forward)
Go to a fast food establishment for a burger and to chat to the opposition's fans (4 points)

11) How good are you?
That's not for me to judge (0 points)
Still improving (1 point)
Fucking awesome (4 points)

12)  Do you think you're a dickhead?
Yes (0 points)
No (3 points)

TOTALS AND DESCRIPTIONS

0 and less
Not only are you not a dickhead, you're barely a man.

1-10
To the extent that nearly everyone has some dickhead inside them, you're a dickhead. But fortunately for you, your dickhead tendencies are pretty isolated and may even endear you to your fans. If you do 'cross the line' you have enough brownie points to seek redemption and come out the end even more popular. You're an asset to your team and to the game you play.

11-15
There is hope for you, but not much. Your dickhead tendencies tend to get the better of you and there's a good chance you're on probation, if not by your team then by the police. Shape up or ship out.

16 and more
There's no escaping the fact that you're a dickhead. Nothing you do will change that. Your reputation will precede you and you'll spend more time in the papers for your off-field antics than your on-field performance. The good news for you is that not every team has a 'no dickheads' policy. The Melbourne Rebels spring to mind, and then there's always Rugby League.

Comments

Popular Posts