Can't stay out late. Can't drink. Can't text who you want what you want. Can't go the biff on or off the field. It's not much fun being a Wallaby these days. Team bonding is something done over cups of coffee or while doing one's hair. Fun police lurk in every corner, and step out of line and school principal McKenzie will slap a detention on you so hard you'd wish you'd never signed up for his class.
Fascist states like Wallaby-land have always inspired creative thinking and that's certainly what's required if the Wallabies are to kick on and capitalise on some late season form. Fortunately, a select handful of Wallabies (6 to be precise) have plenty of time on their hands to come up with innovative ways to get to know their teammates and generate team spirit.
The Rolling Maul has a few ideas to help get things started:
Swinging
Seeing a team mate nude is nothing special. Group showers post game are almost a right of passage. But seeing a WAG (wife and girlfriend) in the buff is not as radical as it sounds. For decades (well, the 70s at least) key parties were a common way to bring friends closer together, literally and figuratively. How better to get to know your team mates than some pillow talk with the person who knows them best. And as far as shared experiences go, it can't get any closer than this.
Travel by Ship
Back in the days before aeroplanes became a standard form of international commuting, sports teams had to get ships from one country to another. Australian Cricket and Rugby teams spent months steaming to Europe, living in each others pockets, eating what constituted food and ripping each other off playing cards and other gambling games. By the time they arrived they all hated each others guts, but the relief in finally getting off the stinking vomit expresses ensured that anything could be better, and someone had to pay. The pent-up aggression was unleashed on European sporting fields, and hence Australian sporting success followed for generations.
Vegetarianism
Nothing will piss off a Rugby player more than not being able to eat steaks, and if there's one thing that the Wallabies have lacked in recent times it's mongrel. So withdraw all their meat-eating privileges and watch them tear into the opposition, probably mouth first.
Stop Watching the All Blacks
Rugby players are generally Rugby fans so it makes sense that they'd want to watch the best team that's ever played the game. But how depressing that must be, week after week watching a team that is out of your league, that have the wood on you and are making a mockery of European Rugby.So instead of moping around after yet another AB thrashing, flick over to Georgian TV or RAI Italian TV or any other channel that broadcasts Rugby in a country where there team is ranked outside the top 10. 10 minutes of watching that crap and the Wallabies will be strutting around like the Champions they really aren't.
Doing the Laundry
When was the last time a Wallaby washed their own jersey? Pampered and spoilt, the modern Rugby players wants for nothing. At the elite level, they access to the best food, the best medical support, the best training equipment, and someone to do their laundry. Well it's about time these pretty boys (and that includes the forwards) learnt how the other half (of perhaps that should be the other 99%) live and do their own laundry. Sure, they'll have to learn how to turn on a washing machine and where the detergent goes, but a few lessons, some trial and error, and the Wallabies will be an efficient, educated and most importantly, clean team. Although the jerseys may be on the beige side if they haven't been taught to separate whites from darks.
Reading
Leisure time for your average Wallaby is usually spent in front of a screen, be it the TV, the tablet or a game console. And while they might peruse the sports section from time to time to see how many times they're mentioned, the reality is that they tend not to bother with words of over two syllables. So in order to bond over shared experiences, Ewen McKenzie should establish a Wallaby book club (compulsory of course). By increasing their vocabulary the team can employ better line out calls, more clever names for backline moves and be more creative in their sledging.
Fascist states like Wallaby-land have always inspired creative thinking and that's certainly what's required if the Wallabies are to kick on and capitalise on some late season form. Fortunately, a select handful of Wallabies (6 to be precise) have plenty of time on their hands to come up with innovative ways to get to know their teammates and generate team spirit.
The Rolling Maul has a few ideas to help get things started:
Swinging
Seeing a team mate nude is nothing special. Group showers post game are almost a right of passage. But seeing a WAG (wife and girlfriend) in the buff is not as radical as it sounds. For decades (well, the 70s at least) key parties were a common way to bring friends closer together, literally and figuratively. How better to get to know your team mates than some pillow talk with the person who knows them best. And as far as shared experiences go, it can't get any closer than this.
Travel by Ship
Back in the days before aeroplanes became a standard form of international commuting, sports teams had to get ships from one country to another. Australian Cricket and Rugby teams spent months steaming to Europe, living in each others pockets, eating what constituted food and ripping each other off playing cards and other gambling games. By the time they arrived they all hated each others guts, but the relief in finally getting off the stinking vomit expresses ensured that anything could be better, and someone had to pay. The pent-up aggression was unleashed on European sporting fields, and hence Australian sporting success followed for generations.
Vegetarianism
Nothing will piss off a Rugby player more than not being able to eat steaks, and if there's one thing that the Wallabies have lacked in recent times it's mongrel. So withdraw all their meat-eating privileges and watch them tear into the opposition, probably mouth first.
Stop Watching the All Blacks
Rugby players are generally Rugby fans so it makes sense that they'd want to watch the best team that's ever played the game. But how depressing that must be, week after week watching a team that is out of your league, that have the wood on you and are making a mockery of European Rugby.So instead of moping around after yet another AB thrashing, flick over to Georgian TV or RAI Italian TV or any other channel that broadcasts Rugby in a country where there team is ranked outside the top 10. 10 minutes of watching that crap and the Wallabies will be strutting around like the Champions they really aren't.
Doing the Laundry
When was the last time a Wallaby washed their own jersey? Pampered and spoilt, the modern Rugby players wants for nothing. At the elite level, they access to the best food, the best medical support, the best training equipment, and someone to do their laundry. Well it's about time these pretty boys (and that includes the forwards) learnt how the other half (of perhaps that should be the other 99%) live and do their own laundry. Sure, they'll have to learn how to turn on a washing machine and where the detergent goes, but a few lessons, some trial and error, and the Wallabies will be an efficient, educated and most importantly, clean team. Although the jerseys may be on the beige side if they haven't been taught to separate whites from darks.
Reading
Leisure time for your average Wallaby is usually spent in front of a screen, be it the TV, the tablet or a game console. And while they might peruse the sports section from time to time to see how many times they're mentioned, the reality is that they tend not to bother with words of over two syllables. So in order to bond over shared experiences, Ewen McKenzie should establish a Wallaby book club (compulsory of course). By increasing their vocabulary the team can employ better line out calls, more clever names for backline moves and be more creative in their sledging.
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