Buying the Waratahs

John O'Neill has put it on the record that he would accept private ownership of Super 14 teams, and this has been supported by the provinces and the Players Union.

As a result, the Rolling Maul is willing to smash open the Matt Dunning piggy bank which contains $62.98, most of which is available to purchase the team. While the Rolling Maul admits that this is a highly inflated price given the Waratahs track record of failure, it will pay above the line if the following conditions are met:

1) Ownership of the team would mean more than just a name change. There is a rolling maul philosophy to be embodied and this would be encapsulated by The Rolling Maul Waratahs who would proudly display the style, patterns and colours of your traditional rolling maul in their new uniform; red around the jersey collar, signifying the blood spilt by backs caught under the studs of forwards; white lines and green stripes across the rest of the jersey, signifying the lines across the field progressively crossed as the maul rolls across the paddock; and brown shorts, signifying the panic experienced by the opposition when feeling the full force of a Waratahs rolling maul.

2) The Rolling Maul Waratahs should be a true people's team, playing matches at Drummoyne Oval, Granville Oval and Forshaw Park on Saturday afternoons straight after the local Shute Shield or Subbies game.

3) The team will be required to drink beer after matches and pies before them.

4) The Waratahs team song which hasn't been heard of since it was invented last year will be replaced by a modified Eastern Suburbs "Beastie" cry. Instead of "Beastie, Beastie, Beastie", "Tah, Tah, Tah" will be required to be screamed at full volume by all the players in a circle in the middle of the ground after each win. With shorts around their ankles of course.

5) Corporate boxes will be made available to members of local Rugby clubs and their families on a roster basis.

6) Ticket prices will be changed to reflect reality. One price fits all, $20 first in best dressed (no reserved seats). Not only will this ensure people watch the early match but will ensure more food and drink is served. The scheme will thus pay for itself.

7) In a gesture of goodwill, all Rolling Maul Waratahs will be made available to their club sides for at least half the Shute Shield Season.

If these conditions are guranteed, then the Rolling Maul will happily take ownership of the Waratahs. Admittedly it would be a bold move on the part of the NSWRU to accept this offer but it is likely to be the best offer they will receive.


Anonymous said…
Private owner ship

This is of course a ludicrous suggestion as it fails to value the team's greatest asset - Tah Man. Holding the rights to Tah Man means you could hire him out on an hourly rate for kids parties or NSWRU Board meetings (being the same length of time and intellectual standard)

Speaking of which, their in-fighting has just been going on too long and is ultimately not good for the sport. As soon as Ewen is free of the pressure of the board he starts performing, the attacking coach knocked back the head coach job because of the board. Why can't the coach sack the board instead of the other way around.

I call on the ARU to take immediate action. I suggest they apply for a government grant to clone Joseph Stalin. Old Joe was a funny bloke who knew how to get others to agree with him at Board meetings which is exactly what the NSWRU needs. The fact that he knows nothing about the game is a real bonus (Take tipping comps as an example - intimate knowledge of the game does not necessarily produce winning results). There will of course be several years while Joe comes out of the test tube and learns to walk etc - so while that's happening let's just take Tah Man to the meetings with a baseball bat. The bickering board members would think twice about opposing the chairman's motion when the first person to do so would be left as a bloodied stump courtesy of a Tah Man counselling session.